im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
how does that bad decision feel?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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