Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Less talking, more tequila
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
