I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
