Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
