I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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