Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
