My first STD was from a foam party
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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