i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
