Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
