She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
