put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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