i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
