there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
