I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
