If i come over, it means nothing
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
