Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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