yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
