I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
