i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
