I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
