Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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