I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
