So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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