Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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