winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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