she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
