It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
