i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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