hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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