There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
