stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
