Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
