We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
