this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
