All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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