Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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