I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
