Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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