I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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