i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
