If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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