you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
