I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
