You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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