You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
