i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
