They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
