good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
