I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
