She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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